Friday, August 31, 2012

unrequited love among the downtown doggy set

Last Saturday, Powell's Books had a little street festival to celebrate their anniversary and we went up there to hang out for awhile.  Part of the entertainment was a troupe called Mortified; they read/perform embarrassing pieces of writing that they did when they were younger.  One performer read her angry letters to her fellow students when she was a "weirdo" teenager in San Antonio before coming to "weirdo central," Portland, Oregon.  A man read his diary entries from 1987 in the voice of his Dungeons and Dragons character. And one lady read her embarrassing teenage diary entries and love letters to the "love of her life" when she was thirteen.

Austin longingly stares at himself in the mirror, wondering
if Giant Poodle thinks he's cute

Now, one of our beagles, Austin, is two, which is a teenager for a dog.  And he faces similar issues.  So, I would like to present for your entertainment Austin's mortifying letters to the Love of his Life:
GIANT POODLE! I love you, Giant Poodle.  I do not know your name, because my parents are MEAN and they WILL NOT LET ME come over and sniff you.  I pull and pull at my leash trying to get to you, but mom and dad say you are bigger than your companion person and she may not be able to control you on your leash if I got you excited.  MY PARENTS ARE SO MEAN TO ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If you break off your leash, Giant Poodle, we could run away together.  Maybe into the Big Park across the street. They would never find us there.
GIANT POODLE! I love you, Giant Poodle.  I WILL NEVER FORGET TODAY!!!!!!! Today, we ran into you and I got to sniff you!!!!!! I am SO excited.  Did you like how I smell, Giant Poodle???? You must have!  You got so excited that you peed on the sidewalk and your mom acted all embarrassed.  Humans are SO STUPID sometimes.  THEY JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND OUR ETERNAL LOVE!!!!!   
GIANT POODLE!  I LOVE YOU, Giant Poodle.  Today, my dad walked me over where you walk and I smelled your beautiful presence.  I peed on the grass there so you would know I'd been there.  Oh, Giant Poodle.  When can I sniff you again, Giant Poodle?
GIANT POODLE! I haven't seen you in TWO days!!!! WHERE ARE YOU???? WHY WON'T YOU RETURN MY LETTERS??? 
GIANT POODLE!  I saw you out the window today.  I looked down eight stories and there you were on the sidewalk.  It was like an ETERNAL distance of my longing heart.  I just stared and stared and then I barked a little and then I saw ANOTHER DOG come up and sniff you and you sniffed him.  OH, GIANT POODLE. Why do you play with my heart?  
At this writing, Austin is trying to get his brother Clyde to ask Giant Poodle if she likes him.

1 comment:

  1. To: Giant Poodle
    From: Clyde the Beagle

    Do you like Austin the Beagle?

    yes no

    (circle one)

    P.S. Don't tell anyone about this note!

    I had to read this post in bits and pieces. My eyes were intermittently forced shut as I was laughing so hard. Forget LOL. Try Full-Facial Cackle with Audible Heaves as I Gasp for Breath. If not for the dehydration of this Texas desert, what can I say? There would be tears.

    My love to my PO/OR friends rich in all that is witty and good. Wish I was there!

    Lisa Freeman


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Upside Down on Mars by Barry J. Cochran is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.